Saturday, May 16, 2009

You don't look African...

I like the profiles online that you know are fake. They have one photo that is cut and pasted from a modeling or porn site. In the profile, the girl says she is seeking a man "age 18-100" "3 feet to 8 feet tall" and within 5000 miles of her local. (Why are all the hot girls always so damn picky?!!)

Once in a while, a clever person will write a realistic profile for these "girls." You'll receive an email saying to catch her on instant message on Yahoo under "sexygurl123." Hey, I was off work for 13 months, so I had time to play around. As soon as you add them to IM, they act just like any normal girl. "Hi. When can we marry and have children?" Or "I want to grow old with you and have meaningful relationship." (You know...typical first contact dialogue.)

If you leave your IM screen for more than 10 seconds, you'll get a message "Where did you go? Are you not in love with me any more?" (No, I am. But I also love this ham sandwich and needed to take a bite.)

Eventually, you'll ask, "hey can we meet up?" "Yes, as soon as I get back to town." "Where are you?" "In Ghana." "Oh, most of my friends love the party scene there, too." "I'm a buyer of jewelry and they won't let me leave without paying taxes. Can you send me money?" (Thinking about it...this is somewhat easier than most first dates where I give the money to the waiter, instead. But this way I don't have to sit through long, boring conversation.) I said I would send money as soon as I could return to work and pay all my medical bills from cancer. She disconnected. (Damn cancer thing scares girls away right and left!)

The next time I got an IM from a Ghana girl, (Ghana is like a restroom...girls travel there in groups, apparently) I beat her to the punch and said I was in jail in DC and needed bail money. She must have been startled by that because she didn't reply right away. So, naturally, I had to ask if she didn't love me anymore!


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