Wow...I was a moron at a young age!

I just found out today from my first crush that she liked me, too. I had no idea! My non-ability to recognize signals started in grade school. I thought she stole my baseball cap to piss me off.

Well, if stealing my cap is the tell-tale sign when you are 11, what is a good sign to look for in my 30's? Stealing my wallet? My car? My underwear? (Okay, that might be a recongizable sign, but I'm not sure I'd want a girl who has that fetish.)

Just doing some reading...

I came across an article online about looking for red flags in online profiles. Check it out:

http://www.allreaders.com/online_dating/dating.asp?autonumber=6

#8 thru #13 are dead on and I talk about them a lot. In fact check out an excerp from my profile:

Let's get back to the "I like to laugh and/or have fun" thing. I have to ask...does one really need to state that she likes to "have fun?" Isn't that part of the definition? I'm pretty sure that in the dictionary, it reads: "fun: that thing everyone wants to have." If you can point out a person who doesn't like to have fun, I will buy you a car. :-) And why not say why you "feel just as comfortable in jeans as I do in a cocktail dress?" Come on...admit that "I like jeans because they allow me to wipe my Dorito crumbs on my legs when no napkin is readily available and I like wearing dresses so guys check out my figure."

I'm toying with the idea of changing my profile to include every cliche thing that girls put in their profiles. Think anyone online would be smart enough to "get it?"

She found "the one!"

After a few emails, I started chatting with Randi over IM. We chatted a couple of hours. Then we had a phone call. Everything went well. She had just moved to DC after living in Europe with her military husband for 10 years. They got divorced and now she is here in town. One thing that bothered me about her IM session was when she stated, "I don't like dating many people at once." That tells me that the girl is needy. She will take whatever guy comes along and she doesn't care who it is. (I know some of you will disagree with me, but ask yourself this... who has more experience in this area, you or me?)

Later that week, I got an email from her. She was talking about a few different things and she ended the email with: "I have decided to go out tonight for the first time with someone I met online...skeptical but gotta try."

Now if you couple that knowledge together, she'll be engaged in no time.

I emailed her a couple of days later. No reply. I wasn't 100% sure I was right, but whatever. Over a week passed and she texted me, "Hey, how are you?" Hmmm...maybe it didn't work out. We shared a few texts. Then I emailed her two days later asking her out. Her reply, "I met someone, sorry. Maybe you did too. (Yeah, I always ask a girl out after I met someone else I want to date.) I talked to this guy and we made arrangements and went out, the only guy I went on a date with. He is so far pretty much what I am looking for..." (Pretty much what you are looking for after one date? Cool. Corporations like to have 2nd and 3rd interviews, but you like to hire on the spot.)

Wow...one date with one guy in DC and she's off the market. I wonder if she knows that in DC everyone online is dating multiple people at once? Most likely she'll get her heart crushed by him and then swear off online dating forever because "all the guys on there are jerks." I've been down that road before. (Btw, what was your answer to who has more experience at this, you or me?)

Are you clown funny?

Judith sent me an email: "I like your profile. I like what you said about the importance of humor. I hope to hear from you soon."

So, if she understands the importance of humor to me, I guess she'll understand why she is not going to hear from me soon (or ever).

She lists her religion as "Quaker." (Those are still around? I thought they became extinct in the 1800's when "going plain" went out of style.) But if she is, in fact, a Quaker, maybe in "Quaker-ism," her email is hilarious! On the other hand, I guess I could suck it up and just go after her because of her sex-appeal. I mean, in her photos, she is showing bare ankles and she has a mighty fine set of them, I must admit.

Xoxoxo...no, just o o o o...

I met Marcy out for dinner on a first date. She was easy to please...she only wanted corn dogs. Who even knew they had corn dogs at a normal restaurant. But, to my surprise, they did! But, let's back up a little, so we can get to the good part of the story. I was waiting inside the door for her at the restaurant. After only being about 15 minutes late (quite early by female standards in DC), she walked in. I attempted to give her my standard "half-hug" greeting. She was having none of that. She put both arms around me and almost squeezed all the air out of me. It was a little odd. Soon after she said she wasn't used to dating. (Maybe that was the reason for the hug like she thought I was dead, but just found out that I was actually only stranded on an island for years.)

During the date...oh screw it...none of the date matters. Let's jump ahead to the end of the date. We walked outside to the parking lot. We did some awkward chit-chat and I went to give her another half-hug. (Meanwhile bracing my feet in case she decided she would tackle me with a hug.) She pulled away from my half-hug, paused, and said, "oh, I'm not really much of a hugger."

??? When I went to the restroom during dinner (well, by dinner, I mean my meal and her carnival food), did her twin sister take her place?

She was undressing me with her eyes...

MaryAnn and I went to burger night at a local place. A lot of times it's hard to tell what a person really looks like from their photo online. But this girl was like Rachel Ray. (Was she skinny? Was she fat? No one can tell!) Anyhoo...I guess I don't look at all like my photos because even though I introduced myself, so must not have believed me. She spent the entire hour plus scanning the room and looking at everyone there except for me. (There are plenty of explanations for this...she got a tip earlier in the day that she might be assassinated, so she was keeping a careful eye. Or maybe, one of her parents is one of those lizards where the eyeballs move independently of each other.) Whatever the reason for this, it was pretty annoying. Then the bill came and she sat there like a bump on a log (maybe the lizard thing again) and never offered to pay at all. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a nice guy. I should have excused myself and left her with the bill and the waiter. (After all, she would not have been able to identify me to the waitstaff at all.)

You tell me...

I don't know. Maybe I'm the freak in this particular post. You decide.

Whitley and I went to dinner on Friday night. I was in the midst of telling a story (no, not a freakish dating story) when the check arrived. Before I even saw the waitress, Whitley has given her credit card. I jokingly said, "uh-oh." "Uh-oh what?" "When a girl pays the bill, it means she doesn't want to feel obligated to another date." (See one of my past blogs for the full scoop.)

Nevertheless, we continued with the date and went on to tour the DC Monuments at night. We had a good time. So, I started to believe that she didn't pay to get out of seeing me again. At the end of the date, she said she wanted to do something again. Cool.

So, on Saturday I called her. As I was leaving a voicemail, she text'd: "Can't talk. What's up?" I text'd back the same thing I left on the voicemail, "Hey since I have surgery on Wednesday, how about we get together on Tuesday night?" No immediate text response like a few minutes ago. The night passed. Sunday passed. Monday passed. Around 1am Monday night I had to take a couple of narcotics to kill my pain.

About an hour later I emailed Whitley. (Probably not the greatest idea while on narcotics.) "Like I said on Friday, my experience tells me that when a girl picks up the check, she doesn't want to go out again. So, I'll let you make the call and I won't bother you again if you don't contact me. But I did have a lot of fun with you on Friday." I didn't think this sounded too bad. I mean, it was obvious that she wasn't going to call me, but on the off chance that she wanted to, I gave her the option to contact me. Or so I thought.

She emailed back: "I was stuck with my three cousins all weekend and I just got home this morning. I was going to give you a call today to see if that was still available, but I don't think that's a good idea anymore. I had a really great time on Friday too, but this is just a little too much for me. If my style makes you upset then we aren't compatible, no matter how cool and cute I thought you were."

I'm so cool and cute that she waited 2.5 days to call me and hope that I was still available that night for a date. (I do that, too. If I want tickets to a sporting event really badly, I wait until the day of and hope tickets are remaining.) But, I did like the girl, so I did what guys have to do. I apologized for no apparent reason. You know..."yes, dear."

"I'm sorry. My narcotics are making me really moody. I hope to be off of them soon. That is so NOT me. My friends would laugh if I asked if they thought I was mean. But, I was last night. It's not the narcotics alone, though. I'm fed up with surgeries recently. Ugh. Can I have a do-over when I'm not doped up, please? I'll make it up to you."

What came next is a collection of ramblings that I cannot make much sense of. But, somehow I think the summary is that I'm to blame and she really wanted to see me badly, but I screwed it up by assuming she didn't want to see me when she didn't respond to me at all.

"Sugar, I don't mean to sound nasty here AT ALL, so please, please, please don't read it that way. I'm just trying to explain my thought processes here. People are different and just because they don't fit doesn't mean that there's anything wrong about that. I just think my neuroses don't match yours.

I can totally handle yelling or snippiness/snottiness when I know you're really stressed and going through a ton of shit -- and I realize what an understatement "ton of shit" here is. I know that that yelling and stuff is never directed at the person to whom you're talking - it's frustration at something that you CAN'T yet at - like surgeries and constant pain and constant limitations of your activities. And like I said, I can see that for what it is, and I can handle it. But no offense, that email wasn't blowing off steam, it was just spiteful. You deliberately tried to make me feel bad. If you really wanted to know (and hoped) that I would give you a call -- which, by the way, I would have -- would you really have started by saying "I knew I was right about you, that you would engaged in this negative behavior?"

I know your friends will say I'm being overly sensitive or dramatic and I am, they're definitely right. But I've already dated the type of guy who when he's mad or frustrated has no problem hitting below the belt and saying the meanest thing possible, so that's on my deal breaker list, and I'm very sensitive about that. And I KNOW that isn't the real you - you're too sweet and caring. Nevertheless, this was that kind of behavior, to a lesser degree, of course, but still there. And I know it was the result of incredibly unusual circumstances, but I don't know you well enough to have any context .

And it sucks, but sometimes mistakes hit a sore spot you didn't know was there. In the law, we call it the "egg shell plaintiff" - you had no idea that, for a stupid example, someone had brittle bones, and you hit them. Just because the breaks are worse than those that a normal person would have sustained doesn't mean you're only liable for part of it - you have to take care of the whole deal.

God, I'm so sorry - I'm totally being the un-understanding and uncaring bitch here. I don't mean to be. I'm just trying to so hard to be honest and as kind as possible because you deserve that. And I'm sorry if I'm just being stupid, but it's how I feel - stupid or not. I still think you're an awesome guy - to the point that if my female friends weren't all married, I'd totally set you up with them. : )

I really hope that your surgery goes well."

Do you have an appointment?

Harriot worked unusual hours, so pinning down a day and time to meet was an adventure. Eventually, it all worked out. I had to be near her place for an event in the early evening one night and I could meet her next door to my event at a bar for a drink. Perfect! So, we talked Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Thursday arrived and I went to my event. The plan was to call her from the event to see if she was out of work.

So, I did...and I got her voicemail. I left a message and she called back.

Me: "Hey there. How's it going?" I greeted her.
Harriot: "Were we still getting together tonight?"
Me: "That was the plan."
Harriot: "Well, you didn't call to confirm, so I made other plans. I'm out to dinner with a friend now, but I'll call you when I'm done."
Me: "Okay, we'll get together afterwards."

I knew full-well that she wouldn't call me back, so I left Maryland and drove home to Virginia. Sure enough, no phone call at all that night.

Allow me to translate what just happened. I was her plan as long as "stud boy" didn't call her. He did, so she automatically said yes to dinner with him. Then it was a matter of finding an excuse to give to me. Oh! I didn't call her the night before to confirm (never mind that we talked every day except yesterday about the date.) She wasn't sure if stud boy would be a stud in person, so she left it open to meet me later. She hit it off with him and never bothered to call.

Well, that's not true. She did call...SIX MONTHS later. "Hey, how are you?" she asked. I made fake plans to meet her out. She never called to confirm, so I didn't go (not that I would have gone even had she confirmed.) I doubt she showed up, either. Stud Boy # 2 probably called...

You are great! Well, not really...

Leigh and I decided to meet out at a bar with friends for the first meeting. That's not something I usually do (I did it in the past and the girl asked me for my friend's number, so I thought better of bringing other guys to first dates.) But, she seemed scared to be alone with me (I'm pretty scary with all my scars, now.) Things actually went really well, though. She seemed to be having a lot of fun...laughing a lot. (Maybe she was drunk.)

She spoke my language...softball. Out of the blue, she said she was looking for a team. She came to the right place...I got her on one of my teams. Later in the week, I asked her out again. She accepted. (Was she drinking at work, this time?) That date went very well, also, as did the third. After the 3rd, I was walking her back to my car and I leaned in to kiss her cheek. She turned. Did I get the ear again? NO! She must have screwed up because she turned the wrong way and gave me her lips. That was weird. I told her that I was only going for the cheek and she got all embarrassed. It was cute.

The fourth date was another good one. During it, she remarked how she was stressed at work. I said I'd rub her shoulders sometime. After dropping her off, she text'd me: "Thanks again. I had another great time. You are great. I'm going to take you up on that back rub soon." That's a good sign, you're thinking. Yeah, well, you'd be wrong. (Have you not been paying attention to my dating luck throughout all my stories?)

We set up a fifth date. About an hour before it she text'd: "I have to cancel tonight. Family issues." Okay, whatever. She was then "online now" the entire night on match.com. (I guess her family consists of a lot of single people, but you would think a "friends and family" cell plan would be better than online dating IMs to work out family issues.)

Later in the week, I emailed and said I hoped everything worked out. She said yes. Weeks passed and no word from her. Finally, I wrote: "Are you at least going to play softball? We need a girl. Don't worry, I won't ask you out again."

She replied: "I feel like I owe you an explanation. (Ya think???) You are a wonderful person who I am so thankful for meeting. I want to talk to you about where I am at because I know you deserve my honesty. When I went home, I saw my ex-boyfriend and it threw me off. I think he wants to work things out. I know this is so trite, but this honestly, genuinely has nothing to do with you. I am in a tough place right now and am trying to figure things out and I don't think it's fair to you to keep you in limbo. I still want to play on the team and I know you are a mature and awesome person who I can definitely see being friends with. I had a great time with you. Thank you for everything."

A week passed and she emailed again: "I was thinking about it a lot and I think, realistically, I am not going to be able to dedicate enough time to a team. I want to play, but the way work has been, it's hard for me to get out before 6 or 7 much of the time."

I wrote: "Okay. I feel like I did something to offend you. I see you are active on match.com while you're supposedly getting back with your ex."

Leigh's reply: "You didn't do anything. I promise. I mean it that I am going through a tough time and am just trying to figure things out. It's hard for me to really explain my situation so you would understand it. I don't want you to take it personally. I didn't take my match profile down because I still feel like it is wise for me to remain open to meeting people on there. (So, you remain open to meeting new guys online...just not open to seeing the one that you told "you are great" to a few weeks back. That's not confusing at all.) I had a long, complicated relationship with someone who recently came back into my life. I don't know where it is going but I am trying to figure it out. (Yeah, by all means...go back to your complicated relationship because it worked so well the first time that you had to break up. Did I mention that I don't understand girls?)

Btw, it's months later now and she's still on match.com. I guess her ex is one heck of a precious GEM!