And the real excuse was...

I emailed Charlene Y. the day after her weird blow-off voicemail.

BiffM: "I don't think you are being fair. I was home waiting to go out with you last night and I called you back 3 minutes after you left a voicemail. It seems like you were looking for a reason not to meet up with me."

She emailed back the next day.

Charlene Y: "No i am not being fair. i have issues i am working on with a shrink. i am sitting home alone on a saturday nite ironing. my life is not simple. we can concentrate on being friends and go from there if u want."

(Can I pick 'em or what?!?)

Pick an excuse...any excuse...

I went on a first date with Charlene Y. last weekend. During the middle of the date, the convesation went like this:

Charlene Y: "How do you end a date?"
BiffM: "What...do you mean do I ask 'your place or mine?'"
Charlene Y: "No. What do you say?"
BiffM: "Well, I never ask the girl for the next date. That puts her on the spot."
Charlene Y: "So, do you tell her that you'll call her?"
BiffM: "I don't think I do. I just say I had a good time, if I did have a good time, and leave it at that."
Charlene Y: "I tell the guy I'll call him."
BiffM: "Really? I didn't think girls said that to guys."
Charlene Y: "If I like the guy, I tell him I'll call him. Why not?"

The date concludes and sure enough:

Charlene Y: "I'll call you."

She called the next night. I called the following night, too. We set up a date for Friday night. The plan was for her to call me when she finished work on Friday b/c she wasn't sure when she would finish. The next couple of days, we played phone tag and sent some text messages.

Then Friday came. I left a voicemail Friday morning.

BiffM: "Hey, let me know when you are free to go out. I assume we are still on...we haven't talked in a few days."

I was taking a nap Friday after work and the phone rang. It wasn't her. It was some strange number. I let it go. Then I checked the message and it was Charlene.

Charlene Y: "Hey, I thought we had a date tonight, but you are not home because you are probably out on another date. I don't play that way. Bye."

(What the?)

I immediately called back and got HER voicemail on this strange number. (How many cell phones does she have and where was she three minutes after leaving a voicemail for me?)

BiffM: "Hey, sorry...I didn't recognize the number, so I didn't pick up the phone. I'm at home...give me a call."

She never called back. So, I guess she was just looking for a reason not to go out. Would she have gone had I picked up the phone? That would have been a waste of time.

A day at the giraffe cage...

Patty O. emailed me a couple of weeks ago. I thought it was odd because she was a couple of inches talled than me. I don't care, but most girls do. Whatever...she's cute and interesting and I like tall girls as well as short ones. We were IM'ing the other night and somehow my height came up. I think I was talking about a softball game where the ball was just out of my reach and I said I needed to be a little taller. About 3 or 4 lines later in the IM, Patty O. started talking about this guy from match she had one date with and really likes, but needed advice from me on how to play it. I knew the only reason she mentioned him was because of my height thing. What? Did she not read my profile before contacting me?

Anyhoo...I'm a nice guy, so I gave her advice (actually good advice, not crap advice so she'd blow it). We continued to talk and even made plans to meet up for an event in about 10 days (I know she has a son and its hard to get coverage, plus I'm leaving town.)

Today, I asked about her asking the other guy out. She said he couldn't make the time she suggested and continued to tell me:

Patty O: "So, that's the word on that - no offer of an alternative date, but his story seems believable. That's ok, though because a friend at work says she has someone to introduce me to..."

So, I'm no longer an option? Ummm...why do we have plans to get together?

Put a tail on her, boys...

I swear I feel like I am stalking her. I was at a bar/club last night, minding my own business. I looked up from my kissing and Olivia D was walking by. What the? That is the 4th time I have run into this girl recently. That just doesn't happen in a city this size. God is smacking me in the face, but I'm an idiot.

Notes: Maybe I wasn't minding my own business if I was kissing someone. Also, the best news of the night -- this kissing was not on the ear!

Stay away from Mexican...

That's not "stay away from Mexicans." The people are fine...just Mexican places are not. I met Heather C. for dinner tonight for our second date. We were talking about...Oh hell, let's cut to the chase...

Dinner ended, we parted ways, and I got "the ear" again. This is a different girl! I have now gotten "the ear" twice within a few weeks. I had to laugh. The only thing that both dates had in common was that they occured at Mexican places. So, unless you like ears, stay away from Mexican.

Don't you know your own schedule?

I met Helen T. online and we sent emails back and forth. I asked her out, but her daughter was sick so she couldn't go. A couple of days pass...

BiffM: "Are there any days that are typically better than others for you to get away and meet up?"
Helen T: "it may be a while I start my new job on Wed. I will keep you posted:-)"

Okay, first of all...why the smiley face with that statement? Is that you laughing at me as you string me along? That's peachy.

And why did she join match.com if she knew she wouldn't have time to see anyone because she is starting a new job. My guess is that its not that she doesn't have time, she just doesn't want to say no to me.

Her statement is a lot like the statement in one of my previous posts: Her "I will keep you posted" = the other girl's "let's take things slow" = "get the hell away from me"

The only difference between the three is that "get the hell away from me" is honest.

I Do -- Not

I'm not exactly sure what it's like for females participating in online dating. As a male, one of the most annoying things is getting an email from a beautiful (too beautiful) girl only to have to read like the following four examples I have received in the past couple of weeks:

Hello my friend! How are you doing? I saw your structure and have decided to write to you, your structure has very much interested me. (My structure? Does she have me confused with I.M. Pei or some other architect?) I think that we can become friends and in the future much more. My future friend I search for the person of dream, it can you? If you wish to learn me better that you can write to me on mine email the address:mojevi4ka@yahoo.com. I hope that you will write to me, I with impatience shall look forward to hearing from you. (Just the kind of girlfriend I want...one who is impatient.)

Hello.I found your criteria on a site Match.com. To me advised it in the Internet of cafe. And I for the first time came here.I saw your data and the questionnaire on a site acquaintances. And very much it wanted to me to write to you. (It wanted her to write to me? Is she hearing voices?) I do not know, why I chose you though on a site of acquaintances it is a lot of men. (Great. She can't tell me one thing she liked about me. That's flattering.) But, why that I was more declined to you.I really do not know, that to me to write in this letter. My name Tatyana. And I would like to know you more, if you not against. I ask you to write to me on mine e-mail: tatydetka77@rambler.ruI shall be very glad, if I can receive from you the letter back. And I want you to ask very much that you, also, if I do not approach you, wrote to me about it, well?I want to speak, that I know the English language well so us to communicate not will deliver work. I wait from you the letter soon, your new girlfriend Tatyana. (Wow...in the past, I always dated a girl for a while and then we would talk about if we are or are not boyfriend/girlfriend. I never thought of just declaring -- "I'm your new boyfriend" as we met. I'll have to try that.)

Hello. I have been told that I carry my wieght very well. (Are you saying you're huge but okay with it?) I am just looking for a guy who is kind, concederate, and just down to heart. (Does she mean "down with Heart"? As in, someone who likes female rock duos from the '80s?) One who basicly cares what is on the inside and not the out. I am looking for someone who is honest and who will just love me for who I am and not for what I look like. (So, besides huge, you're also butt ugly? Lovely.) I shall be glad to see from you the letter. My address: mysteriousprincess555(at)yahoo(dot)com

Hi! Nice to see you here!First I would like to describe myself, because you must to know who had written to you.I am charming, mild, caring woman. I am a good listener and achieve the aims I set forth. (She achieves her aims? Is she a hunter? I guess I should warn her that I am pro-animal rights.) I hope to find a man who I would give all my love and care, and get his love, protection and support in return. (She wants to get my love and protection? We just met! Alright, alright...she can get my love, but she can't have my protection! I'm going to need that while I'm giving her the love...) I am a very sociable (the reason I need that protection), thoughtful, kind, and optimistic person. I am joyful and charming, kind and intelligent, caring and gentle. I like to go to the movies and theaters, I like to rest in the forest. (What is she? a bear? Oh, wait...we already established that she's a hunter.) O, yes of course my name is Olga. To me 34 years. I think that the Internet it only means for the beginning dialogue, and I very much hope that we with you shall find common language, and that we with you can start long relations. I very much want that ours with you relations do not become banal correspondence of people far from each other, I want the greater!!! I shall wait your answer to me. And I want tell you that to me more conveniently if you will write to me on my electronic address. It: lapochka74@googlemail.com Bye

Okay, those were some examples of mail-order brides lurking on match.com (and I'm sure other online sites.) This will serve as background for my next post. By the way, feel free to write to these email addresses. But, you be nice! After all...at least one of them is my girlfriend.

Things happen in threes...

I met up with Heather C. for a drink after my class. I knew I liked her in email because she was a real smart-alec. In person, she turned out to be really cute, too. We were hitting it off, so we ordered a second round. The conversation turned to shopping.

BiffM: "So you like to shop?"
Heather C: "Of course. I am a girl afterall."
BiffM: "How about shoes? Are you a shoe collector?"
Heather C: "No, I hate shoe shopping because I..."

At this point, I realized I had just asked her in email yesterday about shoes. So, I quickly helped her finish her sentence...

Both of us: "...can't find size 5 shoes."
Heather C: "What? How did you know I was a size 5?"
BiffM: "Because you told me in email."
Heather C: "I don't think I did. In fact, I'm sure I did not."
BiffM: "Then how would I know that? It's not like I work at the circus and guess people's shoe sizes for a living."
Heather C: "You'll have to show me the email I sent with my shoe size."

Then it dawned on me. Heather C. did not tell me that size 5 was hard to find. Genna A. told me about that earlier in the day in email! Oh my god! I confused Heather C with another girl...a girl who just happened to be the same tiny shoe size! What are the odds?

Oh well. I quickly guessed her weight and dress size and I looked like a good guesser instead of a complete moron for confusing two girls. Whew, I dodged that one. The rest of the date went pretty well. After paying the check (I paid and she offered...so all was right in the world), we walked out of the bar towards the parking garage. Three people were approaching to go into the bar. Wait a second...

BiffM: "Olivia D?"
Olivia D: "Hey! Wow. How did you recognize me? I am not all messy from softball."

(Ummm...maybe because I just found your profile on match.com and was staring at all your photos recently?) Yep...you guessed it. It was the same girl from the batting cages. The one I did not ask for her number but who I just found on Match.com. That made three connections with her in five days! I live in DC, so the odds of all that happening are nil. It was SO weird.

BiffM: (jokingly) "Ahhh...you still look messy."
Olivia D: (towards my date) "Hi, I'm Olivia." (Oh crap...I missed the intro. Bad, Biff.)
Heather C: "Hi, I'm Heather."
Olivia D: "Email me tomorrow. We'll figure out the plan to practice softball."
BiffM: "sfljslfjsdgeslfdasew" (That's what I remember saying in response. I know it is gibberish, but I was in such shock from bumping into her that I don't remember what the heck I said.)

So, now Olivia has seen me with a date. Is that bad? Is that good? Who knows...I'm still amazed I keep running into her! Is all this some kind of sign?

Phil Collins said it best...

"How can I just let you walk away,
just let you leave without a trace?
And you coming back to me is against all odds
and that's what I've got to face."

Some of you were thinking this after my previous post. (Thank me later for getting the song stuck in your head.)

Well, "Just take a look at me now..."

The same day I posted that entry, I logged onto match.com and what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a miniature thumbnail photo and eighty tiny words about her. Wow! How crazy is that? I didn't ask for her number, but I still found a way to contact her. Hey, it happened to John Cusack, so why not me, right?

We have been emailing and she wants some more help with softball practice. I can do that...

Forgetaboutit...

"You're trying too hard." "You'll meet her when you least expect it." "When you stop looking, that's when you'll find her." "Girls can sense if you want a girlfriend and they don't want that." I have heard things like this for years and years. Let's combine all these statements into one general concept. "Don't try. She'll find you and it will just happen." (Riiiiiiight.) That's all well and good, but only for females. See...a female can stop looking and literally put her head in the sand for weeks. Inevitibly, a bunch of dudes will whistle and cat-call at her until one comes along, plucks her from the ground, and takes her home with him. This doesn't happen for a guy. (I'm sure Brad Pitt would argue with me, so let's just exclude him from the conversation.)

Here is an example: The other night I went to the batting cages to get some batting practice for my weekend softball tournament. There were two cages and 3 girls were already using them when I got there. We rotated turns and chit-chatted, but before we knew it, the place was over-taken by families in flip-flops, I-Zod shirts, and dresses. Obviously, these people had no "need" to be at batting cages...just passing the time. I knew I also had to practice pitching for the tournament. Without hesitation, I asked the three girls to go to a softball field with me and I'll pitch to them. The three strangers and I drove a few miles and found a field. (Typical Friday night for me...you know, picking up three random girls.) I watched the one hit and field and she was a good player. That is a turn-on for me. I was really attracted to her.

Then the brain started kicking in..."don't try so hard." Okay, brain...I won't! I will not ask her for her number or email. I will just be friendly. I assumed flirting was okay. We had fun and I thought to myself that I would like to see her again, but I didn't ask. That would have been trying and I'm not supposed to try. (Heavens no...whatever you do...don't try! Things can't possibly work out if you try.)

So, that was that. I saw someone I liked. We had fun. unfortunately, unless we turn into John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale in "Serendipity" we will never see each other again. (Gee...that worked well.) It's all because I'm the male! This girl could have had the exact same frame of mind and it could have worked for her. If I wasn't trying this experiment, I would have asked for her number. She could have not been looking and still met me. But, when a guy doesn't look, he has no shot at all.

Okay, people...tell me why I'm wrong!

I'll Bring a Hair Brush...

I noticed that Wendy D. (You know her better as "the ear" girl) was viewing my profile online. What the? Why? Then I got to thinking... Maybe she heard something at the exact moment I went to kiss her cheek so she turned. Or maybe she has an involuntary neck twitch. So, I emailed her (after a week). Background: She does a lot of country line dancing and I do swing dancing. She had never tried swing.

BiffM: "Did you have an interest in trying out swing dancing?"

Wendy D: "Swing dancing sounds fun! What night do you go?"

Yeah, I can't wait for the end of date number two. Any guesses as to which body part I'll be kissing this time?