Tuesday, December 27, 2005

The Nancy M. saga continues...

You may remember Nancy M as the girl who said:

"Hi- No I'm not booked but I'm not in the position to make plans that I may not be able to keep. and I've had to back out on you before...and its not fair to you at all. And honestly, I'm not really into dating right now. You seem like a lot of fun though and I would like to meet you I'm just not going to make set plans."

Well, I got to work today and the first email in my inbox after the holiday break was from her:

Nancy M: "I'd like to meet you. lets set something up after the holiday. have a good day."

(Wait. Does this mean that your New Year's resolution will be to make set plans with people? Or are you simply in the mood for a good cancellation of a date and you want me to be the victim? I honestly think there is a weird misrouting of email going on and I'm talking to a couple of different girls all named Nancy. Stay tuned to see how this one plays out!)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Is there anybody out there?

I made plans to meet this girl for a show. We were IM'ing and I asked her three times if she was sure she wanted to go because I would have to buy tickets in advance. She said yes. That was on a Wednesday for a Saturday show. I gave her my number and said to call me to figure out how to meet. No call on Thursday. So, I emailed her on Friday:

BiffM: "Hey! How are you today? (blah, blah...chit-chat) Okay, so where am I meeting you tomorrow? I can pick you up wherever you like."

She said she didn't know her way around the city. So I wanted to know if we could meet at a metro or whatever. There was no reply. So I IM'd her that night asking the same thing. Again -no reply. At this point, I've given up on the date, but I wanted a response. So, I emailed her on Saturday morning.

BiffM: "Hey there. Give me a call if we are on for tonight. My number is xxx-xxx-xxxx"

Like the Genesis song, "No Reply at All."

I emailed her again that night (as she was online) and said I found someone to take the tickets. (I did not find anyone to take the tickets, but I didn't want her to feel badly for sticking me with the bill). No answer.

I emailed her early Sunday morning (the night after the show):

BiffM: "So what happened?"

As with all aol emails, you can see when they are read by the other person. She read this one an hour ago and did not answer. So, I IM'd her again:

BiffM: "?"

(I waited a couple of minutes)

BiffM: "still around?"

(another couple of minutes)

BiffM: "i'm confused"

(Persistant, aren't I? :-) Yet another couple of minutes go by)

BiffM: "So your intention was to be a jerk?"

(Hmmm...How could I get a response from her? Hmmm... I know!)

BiffM: "or you are just ugly and were too scared to meet?"

Elaine E: "f*** you jerkofff"

(Whoa! That must have hit close to the mark! No response for days and then wham! Right atcha!)

BiffM: "finally!"

Elaine E: "a friend of mine was in a bad accident I havent been home a**hole"

(Oh, wow...don't I feel stupid. No, wait...she was SO upset over this friend's accident that she logged onto match.com every day?!)

BiffM: "you read my emails. You realize on aol, you can see if a note was read. No need to lie"

Elaine E: "no I had sis check em for my work sh**"

BiffM: "k"

Elaine E: "sorry your friend is dying Elaine"

Elaine E: "thanks a lot"

(So, you stand me up...lie to me...and now you want me to say "sorry"? Yeah, I'll get right on that.)

BiffM: "good luck with all that"

Elaine E: "as if you care.....ugly huh? that was funny."

BiffM: "i would care. But, not knowing you...its hard to believe"

Elaine E: "showed your true colors though damn,.dont even wait for an explanation"

(I didn't wait for an explanation? Did my "so what happened?" not resemble an inquiry??? What about my four attempts in the previous 15 minutes? I didn't know there apparent prerequisite of asking six times before the seventh time actually counts as asking. Where was my brain?)

BiffM: "i was waiting for an explanation for days! never came. I doubt its true"

Elaine E: "dont care what you believe gott a go"

Elaine E signed off

(You would think over the course of four days, she could somehow find a moment to say "sorry, can't talk...tell you about it later." But, there was nothing. Oooo...and did my "ugly" comment stir her up or what? She was swearing at me before I hit the enter key! But, let's tip our cap to her sister. She was SO nice to not only check Elaine's "work sh**" as she so eloquently put it. But she also checked her match.com account every day. It reminds me of when Elaine Benes on Seinfeld heard her boyfriend was in a accident and stopped off to buy Jujy-Fruit candy. Oh, and she winked at my friend on match later that same day. I guess her friend recovered)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Yeah, I'm the size of a hobbit...

This one girl wanted to be "friends" after one date. Sure. Why not? That was weeks ago. So, I sent her the web site for this very blog.

Yancy H: Is this stuff you write? what's the point? who reads it!? i couldn't get past just a few lines and i was already lost and bored. is your blog like your diary or something... You send it to me as if you're trying to make me feel sorry for you or something, but really it just makes me laugh.

(Ummm...its SUPPOSED to make you laugh. Duh!)

Yancy H: (continuing on) I can pretty much guarantee that (these girls) don't want to see you anymore cuz your short. very. and you lie about it cuz it's not like you add a couple of inches, you ad like 8!.

(Ignoring her awful grammar...)

BiffM: What?! Eight inches? What the heck are you talking about?

Yancy H: you're like my height! and i'm only 5-1. i wasn't so sure when we hung out, but when i saw you at the hospital, you were just about the same size as me, if not shorter by like an inch or 2. i just don't think it's cool you're not honest about it. I wouldn't of wasted my night out with you if i would of known that you were so short. sorry.

(Background: We had one date and after that I had surgery and this girl worked in the same hospital. She came to visit me.)

BiffM: Ummm...I had ABDOMINAL surgery! I couldn't stand up straight for two weeks! So, because I was hunched over that made my driver's license height a lie? Yeah, well...here's a tip: Since you are an x-ray technician...if a guy is lying on your table, he is not really only 10 inches tall...he's just not standing up straight.

(Sorry, but this "friend" thing has to end. My friends need to have some kind of useful brain. Maybe she "wasn't so sure (about my height) when we hung out" the first time because she was too busy getting ripped. I mean, if she couldn't tell I towered over her on the first date before my surgery, she might just have a drinking problem.)

Monday, December 05, 2005

Ever try speed-dating?

I have done speed dating events on several occasions and I had pretty decent results. It's a lot like doing online dating except the profiles are 3-D and interactive (and smell nice.) Well, my experience last week was horrible. I am here to tell you to never use pre-dating.com EVER!!!

Here is the deal...I showed up to an event arranged for 25-35 yr olds who are "athletic and fit." It turns out that there were only seven members of the opposite sex for each of us to talk to. And because they were short a couple of females, two were pulled from the event immediately prior -- which was speed-dating for 35-45 yr olds. Being 35, I was okay with it...but if I was 25, but all means, bring my mom in to match up with me! He might be thinking he would like to meet a cute hottie, but an aunt who can cook might work. Anyhoo... The event went fine and I put "yes" to three of the seven. If there are mutual yes responses, each of you are emailed the other person's email address -- OR SO I THOUGHT! Turns out that I got an email that has the "usernames" for the mutual matches. I am supposed to log on to cupid.com (where I was assigned a free subscription for a month.) Well, I logged on and it notified me that my profile was "hidden" and I would need to "make it visible" for others to see it or write to me. Wait. If my profile was invisible, what happened if my mutual matches looked for me in the previous four days between the event and today??? They would have seen "this username is not a member" -- just as I am now seeing for my mutual matches. HUH? Are we suppose to now wait until we ramdomly bump into each other in the city? I could have done that without paying for it! Its like some weird conversational prostitution! I'm fighting to get my money back. NEVER USE predating.com !!!!

Sunday, December 04, 2005

I should buy stock in Verizon

Isabel T: hey...I totally lost my phone last night and I have no idea where it is, so this is the only way I can get ahold of you...I can't go out tonight bc of work unfortunately....So go see harry potter and let me know it is!! i feel badly, i'm sorry.

(If you are going outside at all today, just look down at some point and you are bound to find at least one cell phone. The rate at which girls lose phones is amazing! You know what else I find amazing? Isabel could send this email to me, but she couldn't get my phone number out of a previous email to call me. I guess she misplaced her "inbox," too.)