You Betcha...

Hypothetically... Let's say I met up with a girl from online and while on the date, she said: "I joined the website because my friend and I made a bet that if we hit 30 and weren't dating anyone, we would join. Well, I hit 30 a couple of weeks ago. Meanwhile my friend is almost engaged. But, I made the bet, so I went through with it." Does that mean that she went out with me because she lost a bet? Just curious...

(cough) (cough) Hairball

I met up with Wendy D. for drinks. She texted me to say she would be late, so I arrived at the bar a little before her. As she walked in I thought "wow...great body." She had kind of a plain-jane face. I am certain that she would rank high on most guys' lists, but I am not really into blonde and blue, so that's why I say she was plain-jane. She wasn't really, but to me she was. Anyhoo...she ordered a margarita and this thing was the biggest margarita I've seen. It was the size of an Anna Nicole breast. Not that I have seen an Anna Nicole breast. Of course not...she's blonde and blue and I just stated I'm not into that. Weren't you listening? We were going to be there for a while.

My conversation with Wendy D was lacking something. I'm not sure what. It would pick up from time to time and we'd chat frantically for about a couple of minutes. But then there would be an awkward pause as we both struggled to find the next topic. Two minutes of chat...one minute of thinking...repeat... This actually continued for two full hours. That made it confusing to me. Were we hitting it off, but only sort of? Were we not? I had no clue.

At the end of the date we walked to the parking lot. The entire walk I was confused about how to end it. She was probably talking to me as we walked, but I wasn't listening. I hope she wasn't asking me questions or telling me that I dropped my wallet on the ground...because I missed all of that. I was too busy rehearsing our second date in my head to see if I'd want to be there for it or if she should go alone. I came to the conclusion...if she wanted to see me again, I wasn't opposed to a second date. But, if she wanted to run to her car so I couldn't get her license plate number, I wouldn't be upset by that, either.

I gave her the standard half-hug and I went to kiss her on the cheek. Now, I've gone in for kisses on the lips in the past where the girl turns so I get the cheek. And I've even gone for the cheek and had the girl turn so I got her lips. But, until tonight, I had never gone for the cheek and had the girl turn even more away from me! I ended up with my lips stuck to a clump of long hair over her ear. I "got the ear!" Who "gets the ear" ever??? I can live with "getting the cheek." But I was spitting out hair like I walked through a spider web!

Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

I had a first date dinner with Francine R. We had met online and leading up to the date, we had talked on IM or the phone every day for two weeks. The date was more of the same...as we both chatted back and forth for hours. The restaurant had to kick us out as they closed three hours later. We spent the next hour in the parking lot talking even more. It was a very nice first date. We then continued our talkative ways the next day as we IM'd and talked on the phone yet again. We hung up because she was heading to a party.

A couple days passed with us continuing to talk constantly. So, I asked about date number two.

BiffM: "My class was canceled, so are you free on Wednesday?"

Francine R: "I want to take things a bit slow for now. I'm sure you can understand that. This comes up because my life gets very complicated. Mainly because Saturday night at the party was someone who I had strong feelings for a LONG time ago and some of those felt like they were coming back. The LAST thing I want to do is hurt anyone's feelings!!!"

A female friend of mine offered this translation and I tend to agree with it:

"um, i'm not sure if i really like you, so i'm going to see if i can sleep with this guy first and get him to like me and if he doesn't, you can be my back up till i find someone else."

Even if her translation isn't the correct one, the notion of "take things slow" is always a mystery to me. Taking it slowly simply allows both parties ample time to look elsewhere until one of them eventually finds the next person he/she wants. I argue that "take things slow" = "this is over"

Whether my friend is correct with her translation or I'm correct with mine, both lead to me yelling, "NEXT!"

Trips are bad, mmmm-kay?

Did you ever notice how often people go on vacation? It seems like everyone I meet goes at least once a month. For instance, I met Alyssa F and we went on two dates. She told me how she was going to Utah for a week with her parents and her teenage brother. Our second date was the night before she left and that was the last time I would ever see her again. A couple of days after her return, I called her and asked for date number three. I received an email the next day:

AlyssaF: "I'm going to have to decline your offer for tomorrow. I just recently started seeing someone. I wish you all the best!"

Did she find a guy in Utah who was a wife or two short this month? If not, when did she have time to meet this other guy? I was with her the night before she left and now she is exclusive with someone a couple of days after her return? Wow. That's fast. (That was a week ago, so no doubt they have kids and a retirement plan by now.) Then again...maybe the part about her parents and brother was fictional and she actually had a romantic getaway with a guy she met before I was in the picture. (Although, Utah isn't high on my list of most romantic destinations.) While I'm awkwardly taking girls to dinner on a second date and debating in my head when is too soon to invite them over to see my place, other guys are inviting them on second dates in other time zones for a week.

If that wasn't the case, I really don't know when she had time to develop this relationship. And for those of you playing the date game at home...Utah isn't the only place not to allow your dates to venture. North Carolina, Australia, St. Louis, and San Francisco are also places where I've had one of my dates go on vacation...only to return to DC as part of a couple and give me the "best of luck" email. Why do millions of people join online dating websites? Simply book a trip somewhere...anywhere...and you're as good as hitched!

I must admit...sometimes this "vacation relationship" does have an explanation. I was dating Francesca C and she was from Italy. During conversation, she informed me about her upcoming trip back to Europe. I assumed it was to see her family in Italy.

Francesca C: "No, it's to Austria."
Biff M: "Oh. Why Austria?"
Francesca C: "To see my boyfriend. I haven't seen him in months. I miss him."

(Were you missing him when you were kissing me? Obviously, I saw this coming as I met her weeks earlier AT A SINGLES EVENT! Do I chalk that one up to cultural differences?)

Do you think Alyssa F keeps a boyfriend in Utah???

31-Minute Speed Dating...

I left my house with enough time to get to my date. There must have been something going on in DC and a lot of streets were closed. So I had to park about a mile away -- and it was 92 degrees. I was doing well, though...I wasn't sweating. That is -- until I got to Starbucks. I made good time and was only 5 minutes late and I was anticipating the feel of the air conditioning. I looked at my phone as I stepped into Starbucks and it was 6:05pm...and, coincidently it was 605 degrees inside this Starbucks. My god! What the hell is wrong with this place? I had never been in a Starbucks and now I'll never go back. Why do they keep it that hot? The sweat started poring off of me as my recent fast walk/slow jog to the date caught up with me. I grabbed a bunch of napkins to towel down as I studied the menu. As I was desperately searching for non-coffee items and furiously emptying the napkin dispensers, the cashier asked me for my selection. I looked over and my date had already ordered and was paying.

LaurenR: "It's on me. What do you want?"
BiffM: "No, no...I got it."
LaurenR: "It's okay." (She handed money to the cashier.)

I wasn't going to start the date arguing over two or three dollars. After all I could barely think straight with the sweat rushing into my ears like Angel Falls. I went with it and ordered a lemonade. We had to wait about 10 minutes as the workers were having difficulties. (The difficulties were most likely due to brain damage from being kept like dogs in a parked car on a summer afternoon.) Finally, we walked outside into the 90 degree weather to cool down. Ahhhh...that felt good. Someone walked by briskly and I got a little air on my one arm. Now, I was cool. We grabbed a bench and chatted for a little. The conversation wasn' t great, but it wasn' t horrible.

LaurenR: "Well, I'm gonna get going."

(You might think I skipped over the conversation, but I really didn't. It felt that short to me, too.)

I looked at my cell phone again...6:36pm. I wasn't going argue. I just wanted to go home and crawl in the oven for some relief from the heat.

My point to this entry is about the paying part of this date. I have found that if the girl pays for the date, it is because she never wants to see you again. I think she feels that she doesn't owe you a second date or sex or anything if she pays. It has happened to me three times, now. The other two times the girl paid as I was in the restroom. Two of these three were mutual rejections, but that's neither here nor there. The thing is...if the girl insists on paying, just leave. You're done.

Translation, por favor...

I am constantly reading online dating profiles where many girls feel the need to state something that baffles me. Here is an example of that "something."

"I'm not necessarily looking for a serious relationship right off the bat, I just want to meet someone I can have fun with and if it grows from there, great!"

What does that mean? The alternative to that statement is "I'm going to stick with the first halfway decent guy I meet and make it work at all costs."

Isn't standard dating procedure:

1. Meet someone
2-a If you hate that person then stop seeing them.
2-b If you like that person then continue to seem them and allow things to grow.

Do some people seek relationships regardless of compatibility with the other person just so they can be in a relationship?

Maybe these girls know people like this and are saying to the world, "I am not as screwed up as my friend who is scared to be alone and continues to stick with a horrible partner!"

Let's change the subject in the example quote and see what happens:

"I'm not necessarily looking for a (mop) right off the bat, I just want to (check out some at the store, clean up a few messes, and if I like one and want to take it home) great!"

See that makes sense to me. The only way I would purchase a mop I didn't like was if I had a bad leak at home and needed to bring home a mop -- ANY mop -- that instant.

When is dating like that? When do you NEED to have a partner no matter who it is?

So, I guess that's it. The girls who write stuff like that in their profiles don't have big leaks at home and even if they do, they don't need a mop or a man. They probably have something at home with which they can just plug up their hole...